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dante's
pit of advice
and video pick


the man

by Dante Alighieri
Dante is an Italian poet, and one of the supreme figures of world literature, who is admired for the depth of his spiritual vision and for the range of his intellectual accomplishment. Currently, he works part-time at 4 Star Video Heaven and has written 'The Divine Comedy'.

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Dante, I'm very involved with a married man. How do I determine if he plans to leave his wife anytime soon?
-Leigh

Mmmm, a pickle indeed. Let the filthy prototype of Fraud draw near and settle his head upon the edge of the dark cliff, but let his tail hang clear. For this beast is the stairway to the pit: mount it in front and I will ride between you and the tail, lest you be poisoned by it. If the Beast slides backward, backward - so that the monster falls back into the pit, perhaps it is time to buck this already betrothed boob.
-Dante

Dante's Video Pick:
If you think I live in pit, then you haven't seen the beautiful yet depressing 'The Last Picture Show.'

Dante, you have gained my trust and respect. After discovering your taste for Xanadu and all its boogie incite I would follow you anywhere. Do you have any more thoughts on the Disco era and the message it sent and its return?
-Lola

My lovely Lola,
A soft spot exists in Dante's soul for the days of mirror balls and night club lovers. Camp and glitter surrenders to my heart, locking, unlocking with so deft a touch that scarce another moment had any part in my most secret thoughts. Through every '70's night I was so faithful to the glowing dance floor that for it I gave up both sleep and life. But, beware and grab your boogie shoes! The second coming is on the way. Our prince has returned to the arena -- kneel and groove to the wrath of the mighty Travolta.
-Dante

Dante's Video Pick:
Who needs drugs when ya have the classic 'Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?'

Where can I find a good burrito?
-Tim

A bountiful burrito, which is Spanish for 'little donkey,' can be plucked from your corner Taco Bell for only 99 cents. But instead, Tim, find yourself a special little spicy senorita to sizzle you up a sinful delight.
-Dante

Dante's Video Pick:
See what the Coen brothers were up to before 'Fargo' and 'Barton Fink,' catch 'Blood Simple.'

What colour shoes should one wear with a lime suit?
-Immelda

Lime is a troublesome tune, singing against the spectrum of all humanity. Precisely so, philosophers declare, barefoot is the way to go.
-Dante

Dante's Video Pick:
Rediscover the magic with the director's cut of 'Highlander.'

Do you believe in 7-11s after death?
-Russell

After departing from this human shell, will my soul find paradise in streams of Slush Puppies and mountains of Hubba Bubba? This sticky punishment would make nightmares grow. Perhaps reincarnation is Dante's direction. How devilish it would be to come back as a Wonderbra.
-Dante

Dante's Video Pick:
Take a journey through David Lynch's inferno 'Blue Velvet.'

I really like this guy 'Sean'. But he's a year younger than me and all my friends hate him. He's always flirting with me at track, and I think he likes me. What should I do?
-'confused' in Canada

My dear...Swat away those clouds of confusions and ride the wind which is stirring in your own sweet soul. As for your friends, they yearn for what they fear. Now begone and run a lap!
-Dante


Why are women so weird? They tell you their problems which run in endless circles with no solutions. Are they a different species? Or just freaks.
-Jamie

Jamie,
Some consider the opposite sex as lizards at high noon of a hot day, which dart out from shade to shade and flash like lightning when they cross the way. Dante, on the other hand, is a faithful worshipper to all things female, you disrespectful sinner. Repent!
- Dante

Dante's Video Pick:
If you think your life is full of turmoil, watch 'the Bicycle Thief.'

(Having finished his junior year at the UW, Dante has gone home for a few weeks to see his folks and friends. While he's gone, Mr. Boba Fett will be filling in for Dante. Boba is a bartender at the popular bar Genna's. Also, he is a bounty hunter in his free time. -the Editor)

I have a toyboy and a boyfriend I love them both, I think. I find wonderful qualities in them both - one has a steady job etc. but is not as loving as the other. He is 7 yrs younger than me and he is gorgeous he has a steady flow of money from an inheritance and loves me more than anything what do I do????
-Christine

Christine, one word: 'money.' But wait, let me tell ya about a 'job' I had back on Endor. Mr. Eon Calamari was engaged to a snotty but wealthy lass. On the side, Eon had a fur fetish and was involved with an Ewok called Brittichina. So, he married Miss Moneybags and he was miserable -- spending his long nights dreaming of fuzzy luv. He knew that if he divorced his wife she would cut him off financially. So he paid a visit to Jabba Insurance and took out a policy on her life, naming himself as the sole beneficiary. After she ignorantly signed the policy, I was asked to pay a "visit" to the unfortunate Mrs. Calamari. Perhaps it was a tad extreme, but that's one way to have your cake and eat it too. Umm, there is an ugly side to this tale...Well, Brittichina moved in after Mr. Calamari received the insurance payment, but she quickly lost interest in him. After a month she left him for a Wookie named Frank-ja. Mr. Calamari became depressed, boo-hoo, and forgot to pay his bills, including a check payable to Fett Freelance Enterprises. A couple weeks later he "accidentally" tripped and shot himself in the face with a blaster.
-Boba

Boba's Video Pick of the Week:
Another Billy Wilder classic and sweet tale -- 'Double Indemnity.'


Dear Dante,
Do you prefer the top or the bottom?
-Kim

Dearest Kim,
A delightful question your devilish mind presents. Dante is a man of all angles, like the dogs in summer bit by fleas and gadflies, jerking their snouts about, twitching their paws now here, now there, behave no otherwise.
-Dante

Dante's video pick of the week
One of my favorite movies to watch at 1am, Billy Wilder's 'Sunset Blvd.'
Dante:
This is pretty dumb on my part. Last weekend my roommate 'Donna' went home. Well I went to a couple parties and bumped into her boyfriend 'Dan.' With bad judgment, we kinda slept together. The thing is, I don't even like him. Because we're friends, should I tell 'Donna' the truth? Or do you think it would ruin our friendship?
-'Sara' on Langdon

Sara,
O you crouch like a cat, among the jagged rocks of fraud, come down from there at no cost, for now you must swim toward the tide of honesty. Also, guys have braggering mouths, so it'd be best if she heard it first from you, instead of finding out from another gossiping source.
-Dante

Dante's video pick of the week:
Rent John Woo's 'The Killers.' It makes Tarantino look like an usher boy.
Dear Dante:
I just finished watching the bloated Oscars. What advice do you have for the producers of the show to make it snappier?
-love Tina from Epworth

Tina,
Ever since the Academy snubbed Xanadu, I found myself in air, afloat in space with nothing visible but the enormous beast that bore me there, never to watch the Oscar event again. But for a steadfast Oscar telecast, Dante doth have advice! The names of the winners should scroll past on the screen while naked ladies fly around like Icarus. Presto, a quick and pleasurable viewing adventure!
-Dante

(then I received the following response...)

Dante:
Xanadu? What the hell? That was butt-awful.
-Teddie

O most miscreant rabble called Teddie,
This frothy Olivia Newton-John vehicle co-starred the heavenly Gene Kelly. This immortal flower never tiptoed through the 'butt-awful'(?) celluloid tulips. Silly simpleton, did you not understand the redemption of a young roller-boogie artist? I didn't think so. Be gone, you mass of knotted torments.
-Dante

Dante's video pick of the week:
The director's cut of Bladerunner. This version clearly reinforces my belief that 'less is more.'

Do you want to ask Dante a question or seek his advice? Fill out this form or send questions to: cybermad@execpc.com

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