Dawg and Eddie and --- Mona?!
the guys
the issues

the guys

the guys (aka: the Buy One Get One Freemen)
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Samuel Beckett meets da Guys!

The Unibomber Capture

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the Dawg and Eddie are in their 7th year at the University of Wisconsin - Madison. Their majors are undeclared.

the issues the issues the issues the issues the issues the issues

(thoughtfully conceived by Eddie and Dawg ?and typed up by Eddie's mom)

"Agitate the young against the old. Prevail if possible without armed conflict. The supreme excellence is not to win a hundred victories in a hundred battles. The supreme excellence is to defeat the armies of your enemies without ever having to fight them."
- Sun Tzu, ancient Chinese warrior/philosopher and next door neighbor.


1. Recruit wild, fanatic followers by using these simple verbal tactics: "Hey, how's it goin'?hat ya up to??f you're not busy tonight, wanna take over the world with us?"

2. As we all know from Intro to Mass Media 103 taught by Dr. Lyon Evans, religion is the opiate of the masses, thoughtfully pointed out by Mr. Marx (probably Groucho cuz Harpo couldn't talk, Chico couldn't be understood with this Italian gibberish and Zeppo was too stupid). Following his words of wisdom, we are actively recruiting followers into our own cult by promising them gifts (spend a weekend with us on the couch watching Monty Python videos, smoking, getting foot rubs).

3. Legalize drugs. Since we know that drugs are also the opiate of the masses, we will legalize all forms of narcotics because a stoned nation is easier to control and they are a lot more fun. While the weight of world leadership rests upon our shoulders, we will not indulge in the drug taking, we'll drink instead.

4. Become chummy with Robin Leach so he'll introduce us to the rich and famous and their lifestyles.

5. Disrupt organized governments of the world ?we haven't thought this one out thoroughly yet, but it should be fairly devious and done secretly in the middle of the night (and glue should be a vital tool).

6. Stock toy stores nationwide with talking Teddy Ruxpen-type 'Eddie and Dawg' dolls that will hypnotize and severely influence small children, making them turn against their parents and join allegiance with our cult.

7. Rewrite history books and repaint all classic artwork to include Eddie and Dawg. Several examples: Eddie and Dawg romping on the beach with Mona Lisa, or the Guys leading the charge of the Light Brigade. "To be like Eddie or Dawg, or not to be like Eddie or Dawg, the question is nil cuz everyone wants to be like Eddie and Dawg," reprinted from the Shakespearean classic, 'Eddie and Dawg In Denmark.'

8. Tap into all government computers and write in nasty sayings, such as: "Yeltsin bites" or "Clinton Stinks."

9. Build a huge metal monkey with a Elvis hairdo wearing a gold l?e suit to stomp all big cities to the tune of 'Heartbreak Hotel' ?"?ince my baby left me - STOMP STOMP - I found a new place to dwell - STOMP STOMP?

10. Get tans, groovy haircuts and dress sharply (pure terror, isn't it?.

(We'd like to thank dorm neighbor Dolle for letting us borrow his Sun Tzu and Mass Comm books. Also, he came up with number 3 and 8. And Dolle sorta suggested 9 and 5, and spelled Shakespearean for us. In exchange, we gave him free foot rubs for a week ?until Dawg caught a fungal disease.)