Bob Dole on...

...the "Sleestak Agenda"

It is as if we went to sleep in one America and woke up in quite another land which happens to be lost. It is as though our government, and our institutions and our culture have been hijacked by lizards and are careening dangerously off course.

...the Sleestaks

They're walking lizards, for christsakes...Bob Dole isn't a lizard, he's a red-blooded American, like you. Sleestaks oppose term limits. Sleestaks oppose a constitutional amendment to balance the budget. Sleestaks oppose a voluntary prayer amendment. Sleestaks oppose an amendment to protect the flag of the United States of America. Sleestaks oppose cute lil' kittens. We ought not to build a pylon to the 21st century, we ought to pinch every last sleestak until they can't see straight, and then steal their time-machine and return to the 1950's.

...Republicans VS Sleestaks

We should have our differences. If we all agreed it'd be a pretty dull place. Even though those lizards are really freaky, they add a dimension to the political process that I respect, but it scares the hell outta me. They're walking lizards, for christsakes. Bob Dole isn't a lizard, did I mention that?

...Crime

The crime rate is falling. We're putting 100,000 more police on the street. Sixty thousand felons have been denied handguns. But the Sleestaks want, quote, "every person to carry a bow and arrow and live in a cave and feel their awesome sleestak power," end quote. What the hell is up with that? Bob Dole doesn't want to live in a cave. I can't even use a bow and arrow. Does America want to be turned into Lizard Town? I don't think so. Bob promises that America will never be called Lizard Town or Sleestak World. My word is my bond. My bond is my friend. My friend is Bob Dole. And Bob Dole is me, dammit.

...Lies

When you're the president of the United States, you have a public trust. And you have to keep that public trust, as George Washington, as Abraham Lincoln did. Can a prehistoric lizard really tell the truth? We read about 900 FBI files being gathered up and eaten by a dinosaur called Big Alice. Nobody knows who hired this "Big Alice." So, there's a great deal of cynicism out there. Well, if I was President, I'd spank everyone who'd tell a lie. Damn straight. If you told a lie, you'd come to the Oval Office for spankin's. And on my first day as president, I'd spank every last Sleestak and all their dinosaur friends too.