Our first Hell Job is submitted from Dick Smickle of Epworth, IA...Here is his story:
Day 1: So, I got this great job on Discovery 1, a spaceship going to Jupiter. My job is gonna be pretty fun, I think. My job is to "hoky" the spaceship. I'm getting paid $5.50 an hour -- and it'll go up to $5.70 in three months (that is, if I pass the examination period -- fingers are crossed). At the end of the mission will be a $50 bonus -- hot damn...When ya throw a dog a bone, ya get ah, we'll, lemme see, how'd that go? Oops, blastin' off, gotta run.
Day 4: Wow, space is big. And slow. And there's a lot of stuff to hoky on the spaceship. Tomorrow, I think I'll make friends with the astronauts. Ate ribs for dinner.
Day 7: Man, those astronauts are snooty. God damn pompous nerds, just cuz they got college degrees doesn't make 'em god's gift to the world (or something like that). The job is going good. Oddly enough in these technical times, a lotta people still don't know what a hokey is. It is kinda like a broom and a vacuum, but it don't need electricity. Some call it magic, I just call it cool. Hoky is a company name, I think.
Day 8: I was reading the bottom of my Hoky...It is a Hoky23T - made in Japan by the Hukuba Company (patented). I like my Hoky. No, really, I like my Hoky. Space is weird.
Day 13: Ate 2 boxes of Lucky Charms for breakfast. Don't feel like doing much today. Too bad they don't got cable out here. Read some X-Men comic books and took a nap. Woke up around 2am really confused. Feeling kinda pukey.|
Day 17: I hokyed the main deck and then the kitchen and then the bay center and then the upper hallway and then by the vending machines. Wow, $4.54 for a Snickers bar. Too rich for my blood.
Day 21: Hey, how come there is dust in space?
Day 24: All the astronauts hate me (actually, I think they're jealous of my hoky). Tomorrow, when I'm hokying his room, I think I'll make friends with the computer.
Day 25: The computer hates me too. So I rebooted him and tried to get to the the c:\ drive to play a game of Pong. Somehow, I must've messed up the computer's calculations --- I'm outta here. If they ask me, I'll tell 'em the computer is actin' up.
|"So, it didn't turn out for the best. And I didn't even get my bonus."||
Day 26: Uh, oh...I really must've screwed up that computer...He's kinda killing off the crew members...Perhaps if I hoky really fast he won't notice me. Ate pancakes for lunch and 17 sausage links and 3 glasses of orange juice. |
Day 27: Hokyed the center dock and then the main deck and then the -- oh shit, another crew member killed. Umm, I think I'm gonna go back to sleep.
Day 27: Just me and astronaut Dave left. He was really flipping out, so I slipped him some mushrooms. Now he's totally out to lunch....
Day 28: Figured out how to open the escape pod -- so feet don't fail me now.
Day 32: Landed on some planet called Tatooine and ate a slice of pizza for lunch...Good thing I still got my hoky. Stopped by the ManPower office, I guess there's a cantina in Mos Eisley that's hiring...Off I go...